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Mommy, do you feel like you’re not good enough? Today, I’m delighted to talk with you about how our self-limiting beliefs, feelings of guilt and shame, sabotage mindful parenting, and how to thrive into the mindful parent you want to be.

Hi there mama. Are you searching for another way to approach motherhood? One that puts your needs first? That allows you to live it all without guilt or holding back any of your amazing talents and unique gifts? Then the live it all mommy podcast is made for you. Each month we are taking you behind the scenes looking into the real world of motherhood.

Giving you a roadmap to unleash your unique potential, your passion, self trust, and purpose as an amazing mother, deep soul, and powerful working woman. It’s time to live it all, Mommy. Let’s dive in.

As a certified parent coach with degrees in human development and psychology and a master’s degree in special education, I have the background and education that, on the surface made it seem like parenting should be second nature, and then my daughter entered the world, and with this reality entered the world too.

This beautiful bundle of joy that I had been waiting for for years set off a whole new world of emotions, responsibility, and yes, mom guilt and deep, deep self-doubt. Before becoming a parent, honestly, how often did we look at and judge those parents and swear that we would parent better?

And then parenthood happens. And even with our best intentions to keep our cool, no matter what, to never yell at our beloved darling, to react mindfully and calmly, exactly as we read about in those amazing mindful parenting books. As we learn from holistic world of education, Piccolo, Rye, or other amazing parenting approaches, we sometimes find ourselves.

Pacing the floor in the middle of the night for hours trying to calm our crying baby. Begging our child to sit still and just let us put their shoes on so we can get out the door. Screaming in anger over the chocolate milk our preschooler spilled all over our just mopped floor. Slamming cabinet doors or throwing the nearest object in anger when our child screams no once again. Slapping our preteen in a fit of anger because they were back talking and being disrespectful. Engaging in a yelling match with our teen over wet towels on the floor. Unfinished homework. We are shocked, overwhelmed, and ashamed when we show poor behavior towards our child.

And we feel even worse if it happens regularly. We seem like strangers to ourselves, stuned by what we are capable of. Feelings of shame and vulnerability take over our whole body, take the driver seats of our mind and emotions.

Immediately, we tell ourselves we are incapable, unworthy, aren’t good enough. Because we aren’t able to be more mindful, patient with our child, we start doubting ourselves and our ability to ever parent compassionately. Our shame leads us into either silence and isolations or people pleasing. We can’t speak about what we did, not even to our closest buddies who have kids the same age because we fear we’ll be judged, excluded, maybe unlovable.

That’s when the self limiting beliefs about who we are as moms begin to pile up in our hearts, bodies, and minds. What I’ve learned as a parent is that of all the education in the world, self education is the most powerful when it comes to parenting.

Let me share something that happens to me last week in my own parenting life with my now 11 year old daughter.

I was running late and knew that our dinner would be late too if I didn’t do something. On my way home I called my daughter to ask If she could put some potatoes with cheese into the oven. When I came home, tired from a long car drive, I found my whole kitchen counter covered with parmesan cheese. There was cheese on the toaster, the salt shaker, and everywhere on the floor.

Before I could even think, I heard myself say, in a crushing voice, How is it possible to make such a simple dish and get cheese everywhere? I mean, how did you actually do that? I remember that I asked her the same question three times until I suddenly felt totally ashamed of myself. Then I heard an inner voice asking me, what’s wrong with you?

How can you talk to her like that? When she did her best to support you. What a hard hearted mother you are. How can you blame her so much for something she wasn’t able to do any better? I kept judging myself for a few more seconds. For a moment I stood in the kitchen, flooded with shame and not able to move.

I looked out of the window and saw birds flying around like nothing had happened. That was my moment to catch my breath. And that’s when I noticed how vulnerable I felt.

So what can we moms do to not only prevent ourselves from having those moments of losing our cool, but also to find our way out of this painful feeling of shame that not only hurts our loved one’s souls, but also our own?

The first and in my experience most challenging step we have to take to avoid any further hurtful feelings towards ourselves or our loved ones is to realize what we are actually doing. In my case, I realized soon after I started talking to my daughter how harshly I was speaking to her, how disrespectfully, how much I blamed her for what she did, making her feel bad as a person, criticizing her in a devastating way. When we are stressed and in survival mode, like I was with my daughter, our brain doesn’t function in a way that allows us to be open hearted and compassionate. To get back to that state, we first need to figure out what’s going on inside us and make sure our mindset is working for instead of against us.

It is crucial to become more self aware because otherwise we can’t initiate any change, can’t control our behavior. So how do we become more self aware? It’s quite simple but not always easy at all. To become more self aware, we have to pay more attention to what’s going on inside us.

Check in with your mind first. Get familiar with your thoughts, with your way of thinking, the patterns you fall into. For example, Are you aware of how often you judge or criticize yourself or others? What kind of thoughts run through your mind when your child is less skillful in, for example, riding a bike, playing ball, reading or writing, compared to the neighbor’s kids who are younger than yours?

Are you thinking, I’m a bad mom. I should have helped them more. Or maybe, how embarrassing, disappointing, that they can’t do it better. Do you notice when your mind tells you lies such as, I’m an inadequate parent. I’m impatient, never on time, something is wrong with me, I shouldn’t lose my temper. Our thoughts are the foundation of our actions.

If we tell ourselves such lies, tell ourselves that we are not enough, unworthy, not capable, stupid, or impatient, we internalize those negative self beliefs which again determine how we feel about ourselves.

Every thought we think affects our well being. Our actions, the way we respond to our habits and expectations, and also the way we view our child. We always see our child through the lens of our own well being. It takes our practice, patience, and curiosity to become more aware of our thoughts and our state of mind, to really get to know ourselves better.

By getting to know yourself better, you get more able to take actions to prevent or deal with stress, frustration, feelings of shame, anger or self-doubt in a way that doesn’t cause harm to yourself or your child any longer.

When I first started paying more attention to my thoughts and the way I was communicating with myself, I didn’t recognize how harshly I was judging myself. I often blamed myself for not being patient, mindful, compassionate, or present enough as a mom. I was constantly pointing out what I had missed, rather than giving myself appreciation for what I was giving. I also discovered how much I was used to protecting myself, armoring my heart against not being accepted for not belonging and being beloved. Over the years what helped me get to know myself better was not only paying more conscious attention to self limiting beliefs but also noticing my body’s reactions and underlying needs.

Our body never lies, Alice Miller. Check in with your body and emotions. For a few moments, allow yourself to experience more deeply what’s going on inside you, as I invite you to reflect on the following questions. How does your body feel right now? Happy? Flexible? Stiff? Comfortable? Pain free? Do you feel any tension in your chest, stomach, jaw, or shoulders?

Every time I criticize myself, I realize that my body gets tight, my stomach hard, my breath shallow, and my vision more blurry. Getting back to my kitchen and cheese drama, as I call it, I asked myself, what was my underlying need in that situation? And I came to the understanding that I needed tidiness in my home, because I felt quite unstable and disorganized inside.

The fact that my kitchen looked like a mess was overwhelming at that time. My nervous system was on fire. I didn’t have the inner peace to look at the situation calmly. As we get to know ourselves, we come to understand the tension in our bodies and what our underlying needs are. When we feel more balanced and our minds become calm, we can take charge of how we respond.

To whatever life brings our way. Everything you are aware of, regarding your physical and emotional state of being, allows you to take control over your parenting. This sounds so simple, but we often react mechanically to ourselves or our child without being aware of it, walking through the day on remote control.

Filled with tension and ignoring the many signals from our bodies as well as our underlying needs. And when I’m able to observe my thoughts and hear myself saying judgmental words, then that is my wake up call. Pia, pay attention! You are not able to respond compassionately to your child right now. This in a wake up call.

It guides me to set my intention on creating an initial change to be more self compassionate and to allow myself to let go of my heavy armor.

Step number two.

The second and most important step in overcoming parent self doubt and transforming shame is to embrace ourselves. As growing parents, human beings who are imperfect, just like all human beings are.

And believe me, it took me decades to figure this out. We are all learning, and to assume that we are perfect, it’s just an illusion, an impossibility. We believe that being perfect. Will prevent us from being hurt, rejected, unlovable, unworthy. And I thought so all the time. Being perfect is the way to prevent myself from being hurt.

And let me get back to my example and explain what I mean by that. After I heard my self criticizing voice, Telling me how cold hearted I was and that I was so harsh, I realized that those thoughts were not true. So instead of fighting with myself and my daughter, I started to allow myself to feel vulnerable.

I allowed myself to feel worn out. I gave myself understanding words such as. I totally see that you are tired. You worked hard the whole day without taking good care of yourself. Now you have come home and your kitchen looks like a mess. You can allow yourself to slow down. To take one step at a time.

When we can fundamentally change our inner dialogue and treat ourselves like a person we appreciate and respect, we start to feel calmer, more grounded, and most importantly, we feel safe and truly seen and heard. So then we can acknowledge that our strong reaction was a sign of our inner stress.

Our nervous system was on fire and it was just trying to protect our well being. This attempt at self protection can be seen as a highly intelligent solution, as a way to save our soul, rather than as a shaming thing that we need to be punished for. By looking at our reaction in that more understanding, compassionate way, we can feel seen and, as mentioned, understood.

We allow ourselves to grow and to learn from our mistakes rather than thinking there is something wrong with us, that we are the mistake. By changing the way we talk to ourselves, treating ourselves like a beloved friend, we allow ourselves to shift into a more regulated state of mind. Only a regulated state of mind allows us to respond more calmly and mindfully and to thrive into the self respect and self appreciation.

Step number three.

The third step in overcoming parent self doubt and transforming negative feelings such as guilt and shame is have the courage to be different. To find your own way, rather than trying to please everyone else or getting lost in what everyone else is saying. It’s important to remember that we are all different, and finding out what works best for us might take trial and error.

If something doesn’t work, it’s not because there is something wrong with us. And please remember that if something doesn’t work, it’s not because there is something wrong with you. But if we want to find our own way to parent the way that has the best fit for our individual needs and unique family life, we have to be courageous.

Courageous because being unique means being different. And being different naturally brings the risk of not being accepted, belonging, beloved, or appreciated. For some parents, that’s not what they have signed up for. But those open to taking that risk, open to finding out and showing who they truly are, those who are willing to be vulnerable.

And are eager to discover what feels right for themself and their children. They will experience sooner, rather later. The gifts of inner freedom and fulfillment if we allow ourselves to fall, to be vulnerable, to be seen as we are, rather than hiding, secret keeping, or people pleasing. We inevitably come to the birthplace of authentic parenting.

The place where we feel whole, open and truly connected. When our child triggers us, they don’t mean to provoke or hurt us. They want to learn from us and see our true authentic self. Parenting is our best entryway to Discovering our deepest authentic self, who we truly are, what we need, what our wounds and trigger points are and that’s a lifelong process of self discovery and self awareness.

So, what I want you to remember from today’s episodes is parenting is a lifelong process of developing self awareness, that allows us to grow into our authentic selves and to overcome painful feelings such as self doubt, guilt, shame, and self limiting beliefs like, I’m not good enough, I’m unworthy, I’m unlovable, and every step we take to number one, become more self aware, discover our mindset, emotions, our body’s reactions, thought patterns, and underlying needs. Step number two. Embrace ourselves as imperfect parents. Growing humans who will naturally mess things up, do things wrong, but will take advantage of our mistakes to grow into our best selves. And step number three, have the courage to find out who we are, find out what feels right for us and our child, rather than getting lost in well meant advice from others.

All that, all those steps bring us further on the path to purposefully creating a peaceful and fulfilling family life. The better we understand ourselves, our wounds, trigger points, judgmental reactions and protection strategies, the better we can bolster our well being and parent mindfully. Parenting is about finding inner ease, confidence and trustful togetherness.

It’s about thriving into our full potential. As parents, as well as supporting our children to do the same. You are here to enjoy parenting, not to suffer.

And if you are a parent who wants to find relief from self limiting beliefs such as, I’m not good enough, transform feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame.

Who wants to learn proven tools to heal attachment issues or remove the daily power struggles with their child, then you have come to the right place. I’m here for you. And so is a community of loving and like-minded parents that understand what you are going through. Head over to my webpage beginning and save your spot at my parent relief membership today.

I have already helped hundreds of parents and families to take control of their own well being, to thrive into fulfillment and joy after only a few sessions. With the right guidance, you can easily become more patient and better understand your own reactions, your trigger points, and the inner wounds that have consumed your life energy maybe for decades.

My promise to you, I will guide you to feel more connected with your own unique potential, your inner calm and wisdom, as an amazing parent and powerful woman. Head over to my webpage and join our Parent Relief Membership. We have limited spots available, so take actions today.

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